Deep Inside

Harboring secrets can really stunt a persons progress. When I was younger I use to think I could do as I please. My mom use to tell me that her hands were  always full with me. Even though I stayed on punishment and never was allowed to go outside, I always found my way outside. I guess looking back they got the last laugh. Damn I thought by pushing the memory out of my mind I could forget it completely. Hmmmm I guess the saying out of mind out of sight is a lie because I personally say it doesn't work. When something has a hold on you it will continue to overpower you until you take back control.

I wasn't even ten and I could remember getting suspended at least four times a month and let's not count the days that I didn't attend school. My mom use to always threaten me about sending me to the behavioral rehab center. I use to get real big and tell her go head I'm not scared of that place but deep down I was scared to death. I use to hear all type of crazy stories about that place and the patients there. Well I guess I really pushed my mom over the limit because she really drove me there and asked them if they could run some test on me. Just sitting there listening to my mom describe a monster and how she was fed up. I just kept thinking to myself who was my mom talking about until I heard the man behind the desk ask me if I was ready to go to what would be my new home until they came to a conclusion. 

The first two days I kept thinking my mom was playing a joke and that she would be here any minute to come get me. But after the third day I knew she wouldn't be picking me up anytime soon. I tried to stay to myself for the next couple of days because the people that were there creeped me out. A month has passed and I'm still here my mom barely called or came to visit me. I think the time away made me start looking at the woman who birth me completely different. She actually admitted me to this crazy place. This one night somehow I wasn't the only person in my room. It was real late so this place was supposed to be on lock down but yet it was three of us in my room. I seen the older girl from time to time in the dinning hall but him I never noticed. Before I could get a good look at him they both were touching me. Hands were on me, fondling, caressing and restraining me. He held more of my hands while she was having sex with me. I couldn't even scream I was more trying to escape within me. What felt like hours ended within 5 minutes. I didn't even open my eyes to see them leave. I just kept my eyes closed as the tears fell and my sleep took over.

I was released maybe a month later not sure to be exact but it seemed like the days just ran into each other. I came home a complete different person the so called wild boy my mom described me to be I was way worse. I did what I wanted and no one could tell me anything. She tried to send me back the night I stole her car but the look I gave her made her think twice. As I got older the more she said and did less and the more I continued to get aquatinted with the police. Three decades later I still remember what happened, I mean how could I forget. A night like that could never be forgotten. Again out of sight out of mind right. It took me years to come to the conclusion that it was not my fault what happened that night.  My mom has demons of her own and they took over her that day she admitted me to that place. I no longer hold this against her. I can honestly say this no longer controls me. I'm finally letting my skeletons out of my closet.