Signed the Mistress

Maybe it was the timing, shit maybe it was always there but all I know is I do not regret it at all. I had just gone through the worst of the worst. Giving birth to my stillborn son! I was dead spiritualy and I no longer knew how to live. The man I was with did not help the situation at all. The epitome of a "No good man", but he had this hold on me that would not allow me to leave. He caused me joy, and pain! Mostly pain, you know mentally, physically, emotionally, shit you named it he did it. I never told anyone how bad it was because I did not want people to actually know what I was going through on the daily. I had enough! Just as my world was crumbling,  when I needed someone the most he was there! My friend turned lover,  and yes he was someone else's husband but he was also mine !

We started off as coworkers I would see him every day and we would laugh about how all the ladies were after him and till this day I remember how funny it was. Now I'm not just saying this because I loved him but this man was a fine man! He stood over 6 foot, nice chocolate skin and real fine black hair. He was always well put together and sported a mustache, "damn he was a fine man!" As the years came and went we became closer and in the beginning he was not married,nor did we view one another in that light. Personally, I had too much going on with myself to even think of another man. After everything with my ex and my child, I just felt unwanted and I didn't find myself attractive so I only viewed him as a friend; until the "talk"! And boy did he pour his heart out which took me by surprise because he was married and has been for some time.  He came to visit quite often, but this time he was pouring his heart out which changed it all for me and for us. It was so unexpected, so raw.

I can still remember when he would pick up the phone and whisper I love you and hang up, just those words alone did so much. The endless nights he stayed with me in my bed and days we spent together. Yes, I knew he was married but his actions weren't of a married man it was gestures of a man who was in love. We would go out on dates on multiple occasions daytime and night so no it wasn't only a night thing or behind the closed door thing with us. There would be times when he would place me on the couch and tell me not to move and clean my place up from top to bottom. Again the small things drew me in more. But then something changed, I no longer felt it was just me, her, and him I started to feel like it was someone else. As much as he kept saying she was a friend I knew it all too well. Now I know this might sound crazy because he was a married man but I couldn't share him again, with another woman I just couldn't. I even followed him a few times and stood across the street and yelled " your ass better not go in there", and this was at the so-called friend's house. Late night visits? nope not on my watch. I've done some unthinkable things trying to keep a track of him and no I'm not proud of those moments but at the time he was mine and I couldn't take another heartache. I know it sounds weird saying I did not want to share him when he was already married and I was already sharing him but in my heart I only seen him and I. No one can take, him, or what we had from me, and I mean no one!

He was my knight and shiny armor. When I needed someone the most he was that friend. Maybe it was me being vunerable, maybe naive but I thought just maybe, we, could be. And even after he told me he would leave his wife and be with me I just couldn't. How could you leave her so high and dry and not have me think you'll do the same to me? Now don't  get me wrong I know we should not have started in the first place but what we had was undeniable and it was something I was willing to be a part of. I cane to realize he was not my greatest lover but he'll always be my greatest love. Now that he has passed I'm hurt more than ever not that he was ever rightfully mine but that I'll never love another like him. So as I prepare myself for his funeral I'm preparing myself for this heartbreak all over again.